Well, today I saw the boy that stood me up online... I had to ask him what had happened to him the other night. I guess that somewhere inside I had to have the satisfaction of hearing the lie that he would inevitably make up for an excuse. This one scored super low on originality: "I had to help my mom and I forgot to take your number with me" And the excuse for why he didn't respond to my email that simply said "hey I sorry we didn't get to meet, just writing to make sure that you are ok... email or IM me sometime." he told me that he doesn't know why he didn't respond, he just didn't. I at least give him props for not wasting the time to come up with another story about how the weather slowed his internet connection and everytime he tried to send a reply to my email or IM me online, his computer froze up or something stupid like that.

Why is it that as humans we can't just be honest with one another? There are ways of speaking the truth without being hurtful. I have much more respect for people who, like my friend Blake, who after I told my HIV status said "thats cool" then the next day after having the evening to think about it and let it soak in, had the balls to come to me and say "I am really sorry, but after evaluating everything in my life right now, this is just not something I can do... I can't be in a relationship with someone that is poz" I respected Blake so much for that moment of honesty. I know that it was difficult for him to say, but he didn't want me to think it was anything about ME that he was rejecting, he was rejecting THE VIRUS. I know that when people stand me up, or stop calling or whatever they are not rejecting me, they are rejecting the virus... Blake taught me that lesson...the virus and I are not the same thing, we just happen to come as a package deal...

I will probably post more on this whole topic soon... but this is just what was running through my head now...

Good Morning All!!!

YAY!!! today is the last day of reserve before I start my regular line... no more changing my days off at the last minute etc... So, shortly I am off to work for a very full day of flying... Cinci to St Louis, St. Louis to NYC, NYC back to St. Louis, St. Louis to Cinci... good Lawd thats a lot of time on a plane.

So some of you know I met a boy online yesterday, and we spent most of the day chit chatting... and before you know it, he is asking me if we can meet for coffee or a cocktail or something... never being one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I of course said "I would love to" I then followed up by saying, "in case you didn't notice in my profile or I hadn't mentioned it in our chat, you should know that I am HIV+", I was assured that it was no problem, and that he would see me at 10pm... I chose to tell this boy in this manner to give him an easy out to save both of us any awkward moments. Sure enough, he took it, the boy didn't show up, although I wasn't surprised, I was still disappointed... I wonder if that disappointment ever goes away, and if it goes away does that mean I have become bitter or jaded...

So, I am going back blond... like litterally that is what I am doing as I write this. I don't think beauty should be this painful... but let me tell ya, the bleach on my head BURNS!!! I figured it was safe to do the whole blond thing again since I was off probation at work and the chances of me getting fired for it are pretty slim now.

Day before yesterday, in Charleston, SC, I was chatting with Andrew on the phone and watching QAF on Showtime, and after QAF was over Its My Party started... I told Andrew I couldn't watch it cuz I would get sucked in and watch the whole thing and cry and all that good shit. So I changed the channel while I was still on the phone with him. No sooner than I hang up from him, I decide I have to flip back to see where they are in the movie. STUPID IDEA!!! 2 hours later I was on my bed crying like a bitch. It is rare that a movie can do that to me... I mean I cry at movies all the time but usually when I watch them again, I pick them apart and the do nothing for me... This movie I have seen dozens of times and it is always good for a good sob... The only other movies that are like that for me are The Color Purple, The Imitation Of Life, and Steel Magnolia's.... Oh yeah, and Like Water For Chocolate....

This is however, the first time I have watched this since I got sick... I spent about 3 hours the next day examining the situation. Could I or would I kill myself before I became a burden on my loved ones... I decided if I were in the same situation as the character in the movie I would have done the exact same thing. I never want to have my family and friends remember me as a vegetable, or my body so ravaged by illness that I can't take care of myself. I want my friends and family to remember me when I am strong and mostly healthy... I would also want a party right before I go, I want to go with all of my family (both chosen and not) around me. I already decided Andrew will definately be my "Margaret Cho" character in the movie... she has this role of a very caring friend who doesn't like that she is losing her best friend, but is totally there to support him and help grant his final wishes... through the whole movie, she does such a good job of not crying around Nick, but at the end, she lets him know how much he has meant to her, and vice versa. Andrew would definately be the one next to my mother weeping... Tony would be the character played by Balki (I can never remember his real name) He is so outgoing and abrasive but so supportive of his friend. The other roles would be filled in by the wonderful cast of friends that I have been so blessed to have in my life. There have been times in my life when I didn't know if I would be able to go on, when it felt like life was just too much.... it is at those times that one of my friends have stepped in and carried me out of the hole that I was in. Anyway, that is a VERY long time off... I will post more later...

LAWD am I tired... I just wrapped up the longest work day ever, it wound up being over 15 hours today. The good news is that I think I am done for a couple days.

I just finished having a really nice chat with a friend about self esteem. Its funny that I would be someone giving advice on self esteem, but I suppose that is usually the case, the preacher is too busy preaching to actually practice what he preaches. This young man that I was chatting with is truly one of the most beautiful creatures that I have seen, but I suppose part of what makes him attractive is that he has not been corrupted to the point of knowing that he is cuter than 99% of the people around him. Its funny, I don't think I am ugly by any means, but when it comes to being in public, I am one of the most insecure people I know. In a group of people I instantly feel fat, unstylish (missed that gene), and generally feel no one would want to talk to me... however, put me in the same room with a wig, dress, pumps and some thick makeup, and I will own it in no time at all. People are often shocked at how introverted I become when I am not busy being my character. I didn't have the guts to talk to my friend about my own insecurities, I made him promise to work on his self-esteem, and what I should have said is that we will work on our self-esteems together. I think right now, as I wander around trying to find that someone to be with, my self-esteem should come first, I have enough things to overcome that I shouldn't be adding senseless personal crap to the list. I wish it were that easy to just snap your fingers and poof it all changes. I will keep you posted on my progress.

On other fronts, I have begun to notice lately that I am getting lonely... not for friends, cuz thank god I have an amazing family of friends that keep me sane and all, but for something more. I miss being able to share my bed with someone (not like that you gutterminds) and I miss "spooning", but I think the thing I miss the most about a relationship is that 20 minutes or so right before you fall asleep with your boyfriend, where you just talk about anything and everything. Before I got sick, I never paid any attention to whether someone was poz or negative before I dated them... now that the shoe is on the other foot, I find myself trying to completely avoid talking to boys who are negative. The problem with that however, is that the majority of men who are as open about their status as I am are MUCH older than I am, or if they are near my age, they are often still very angry about their diagnosis and leading a very reckless lifestyle. The problem with dating guys that are negative is that in the back of my mind I would always be terrified I would infect them. Its fucked up because many times I catch myself feeling like I am a walking toxic waste container...and the blood running through my veins is nothing more than poison waiting to either kill me or someone else... killing me, I can deal with, killing someone else, I could never deal with that. I so often find myself flooding my free time with my involvement with the Court and the Frat and my friends to keep my mind free of the whole dating thing... I think it is just catching up to me a bit.

I don't mean to be whining about my life, because I am definately one of the luckiest men in the world, and I know that many of the people that read this talk about how strong I am and how positive I am about my place in life, I just suppose that today is not one of my strong days...I suppose that is what brothers are for. Andrew, answer your phone....GRRRR

WOW, it has been nearly a week since I have posted anything... I am sorry it has taken me so long. I have been in Kansas, where apparently they don't believe in computers. Needless to say we have a lot of catching up to do.

First off, on the fraternity front. Not much has happened as of late, I kind of feel shitty cuz I haven't really been in touch with my boys. I tried calling all of them on Sunday, but my phone was screwing up, so much so that there was a misunderstanding and they thought I was in Boulder!! Lawd I wish I had been. I love spending time with my mom and shit, but Kansas really is a shit hole. Geoff seems to be doing ok, its funny he keeps looking for love in all the wrong places (sounds like a bad country song). Its so hard to explain that it will come to him soon enough. He is such a nice boy and cute on top of that... I would hate to see him just give it up to any boy that casts a glance his way. He is worth so much more than that.

Jeff...he is a giggling fool... But you gotta love him. I tried to call on sunday and my phone was so ghetto. He just giggled the whole time, he couldn't hear a word I was fucking saying and just giggled through a one sided conversation... Anyway he called me back the next day and assured me that all was good in his world. I just got all caught up on his comic that I missed while I was gone. He is one twisted boy... awww, like big like lil.

Tony... I don't hear much from Tony at all, I certainly hope that he is in contact with his Surrogate. It sucks that I can't be there for them all more, but especially for Tony who is really looking for something specific from this pledge process... I certainly hope I have the ability to mold and shape him even without being in constant contact. When I was pledging DLP, my big bro and I never hung out once. All of our contact was on the phone... luckily I was close to other brothers that took me under their wing. And in Sig Ep, the bonds that I made there with my big bro really are still very strong, we still keep in touch.

On the home front: Last week, I was put in a position I never want to be put in again. I had to ask Dubya to leave my house. He started moping around and when he curled up in a ball on the couch and started wailing because Tony and I were going out to do something together, I was finished. Tony came into the drag room and had to sit down in order to keep from getting so angry that he hit him. I didn't realize what was going on until I went to investigate. I had laid out the ground rules about staying here, and that Tony was allowing him to stay here as a favor to me, not to him. I refuse to allow another person, brother or not, make me or my room mate uncomfortable in our own house. He got really upset and I had to leave or I would have caved... Lord knows I am a softy and have NO desire to see someone hurt or struggle. But I strongly believe that by not forcing him to help himself, I was part of the problem. Tony came back from Lexington on Sunday to find Dubya in my bedroom. He had snuck in while we were gone and was kind of hiding out. He begged Tony to let him stay and begged Tony for money... Tony stood his ground and did not allow either. I guess Tony saw him Monday night at a meeting for the Royal Court, and all seemed fine. But on Tuesday there was a message on our phone from his job, he did not show up to work and he was not welcome to return.

God I hope he is doing ok, and that he didn't do something stupid. He has attempted suicide before, I just pray that he didn't find that to be the only option. I don't know that I could handle that weight on my shoulders.

Thats all for now... I will write more soon...

So today, I waited to write something interesting...thinking something would yet again lure my muse into action... but so far, there is nothing.

I promise that as soon as something tickles my fancy, I will spread it along...

So I knew it wouldn't take long before something got me going...

Today, one of the colonists put a post on his blog that made me so angy I didn't know how to respond... So I have consulted some of my close friends and people that I turn to for advice and guidance. First off you can read the post I am talking about at but the part in particular that I am talking about is this:

"So what overall is my view on homosexuality? Basically, it lies in minimization. As genetic engineering evolves, i think it prudent to find the gay genes and try to take them out of society, lessening the numbers and increasing the welfare of these now "breeder" children. I don't think those that are already born, or even those born in the future should be persecuted, but I also find it counterproductive to give rights and privileges to a section of a society which should be minimized. Homosexuals are often wonderful people and I don't deny that in any way. But, from an optimum-seeking point of view, it would be better if they were straight. "

My good friend Tony came up with the following response:

You are constituionally entitled to free speech, however, when your use of your constitutional rights to pursue a riotous position they are violated. Just as you may not scream "fire" in a theatre you may not suggest that people to be "genetically re-eingineered" to elimnate a potentially undesirable social trait as it is inciteful of riot. Please know that our particular society is in the midst of growth and flux and making decisions so drastic as to remove a segment is foolish, short-sighted and clearly lacking in the knowledge of social change. Please also know that our society is one of many on this tiny little thing we call our planet. Many of these societies would be less than pleased to think that at one point in history, given the opportunity, you would have chosen to eliminate them because of a perceived flaw...Have you heard of a little thing called "The Hallocaust"? I suggest you visit a museum in your area and re-visit your ideals on "elimination" and "minimization".

I could have not said it any better and anything I try to add to this will just be beating a dead horse. The one thing I do want to say is that I do apploaud Jason for having the balls to speak his views, knowing full well that they are going to cause him flack.

Whats gone on since my last post...Yesterday was a pretty good day!!!

First off, I got a "line" at work...for those of you not in the know, that means that for the first time in 8 months, the airline can't fuck with my life... I know in advance where I am going and how long I am going to be there for the entire month.

The lil bros seem to be doing fine, Geoff quickly bounced back from the Brandon incident and has now set his sights on a new boy that he thinks (at least aesthetically speaking) is the bees knees. I don't know that I agree with him, but it put a smile on my little brothers face, thats all that concerns me. Now we don't know if the mystery boy likes other boys, or if he likes girls, but Geoff assures me he will find out. I didn't have the heart to tell him he should probably figure that out before he plans his seduction attack. Jeff is doing good, he seems to be bouncing off the walls since Jessie is back in town. I gotta tell ya, just like a mother, you gotta love it when your kids are all smiley... I still haven't heard much from Tony... I know he was concerned about time, so I hope it is all working out for him.

I had some great chats with some of the other colonists, including one with Webb. I had not gotten a chance to meet Webb before this last weekend, and even then our interaction was minimal... I can see however through our chat we are going to be good friends...

On the homefront, my roomie and I sat down last night and had a planning meeting about my aspirations to compete at Miss Gay America. We were figuring out the costs involved, and whether it is actually something I want to spend my money on. I have no dillusions that I would win the National Title, but it would be great to be able to compete...one of my concerns is that once I go, I could easily become addicted and keep pouring money to go back. I don't want to be one of these queens that spends all of the money they have to go to Miss America 22 times before they either die or just give up...

Dubya is still here... Tony told me last night that he thinks Dubya is planning on staying in this job he has. What a stupid notion... the job was supposed to be temporary until he could find something that paid better and could help him get on track. He is also seeming to become very comfortable staying here... he will have to get past that, cuz he ain't living here. As my roomie says, I aint taking no one to raise. Oh well, some people have no drive or ambition. I am not sure I understand that way of thinking... At any moment you could be struck dead, and you have done nothing to lead the life that you want. I may not have a lot, materially speaking of course, but at least when I go, I will go knowing that I have done my best to lead a life that I was happy in.

Well, thats it for now, I may post more later, I am waiting for some reactions to some emails I sent to various people and to the frat mailing list.

So I had a good nights sleep, I totally feel like a new man. The whole weekend I was in Boulder I didn't sleep so well... it totally helps that I have the most comfortable bed in the universe (except my room mates).

I had a few great conversations with colonists and a nice one with Geoff... It seems he asked a boy out, but the guy said no. He didn't seem to be heartbroken over it, which is really a good thing. When I was his age I didn't do rejection well. Who am I kidding, I don't do rejection well now, hence the reason I don't talk to boys. But seriously, it didn't take much rejection for me to become more than a little bitter and jaded... I am glad he is doing better than I would be.

Geoff brought up some great questions in his blog about injustice from a friend, and about passions...I wish I was better at this blog thing so I could post a comment about his post on his blog (maybe I will work on that later) but in the meantime, I have some things to say about his comments. Geoff was asked what constitutes an injustice from a friend... Now I don't know the boy that he asked out well enough to know what he was getting at when he asked Geoff this question, but for me, the question is very unclear. We each have levels of tolerance for things our friends do. For the most part, we know what they are going to do and how they are going to react, many times that is a founding reason that we have become friends in the first place. I wonder if the injustice that Geoffs love interest was talking about was more that he thought of Geoff as a friend and hadn't really considered anything more...Geoff rather boldly asked if he was interested... apparently not something this boy was expecting. It would seem that maybe he is worried about losing the friendship now that this subject was breached. I certainly don't see that happening, Geoff is a bit too committed to his friendships to let that happen I think.

Passions - Geoff asked about passions, and suggested that maybe he has mellowed beyond passion. I can attest that is certainly not the case. But the question forced me to examine some of my own passions, but also what constitutes a passion. I realized that the way I define passion, I only have one: relationships. Before you start thinking i am some kind of relationship whore, I should explain what I mean by that... I mean relationships with friends, with family, and even with total strangers. My passion is building stronger bonds with these people, my passion is contributing a positive change to peoples lives, my passion is doing my best to be a better person for other people everyday, in turn making me more satisfied with life. I of course occassionally make mistakes, sometimes I do things that don't follow this plan, sometimes I hurt people that I would never intend to, but I try to learn from the situation and correct the problem as soon as possible. Just as someone passionate about music might play a wrong note while playing their favorite piano concerto...nothing you can do, you can't undo what you have already played, only learn from it and try to keep it from happening again. I think that one of the reasons I have decided to go back to school full time to get my degrees in poly sci and law, is to better able myself to effectively change the world around me and protect people that are not able to do so themselves. I want to better peoples lives who otherwise would never know I was alive. I want to insure that generations of people after me have basic civil rights and protections that we all are intitled to, thus building better relationships with the world.

One of the colonists messaged me last night and was afraid that he had let me down because of some very minor (in the grand scheme of things) incidents over the weekend. I put him at ease by reminding him the same thing that I say to anyone... if I am angry, you will know. As my roomie says, "my name is not Victoria, there are no secrets here" I suppose if there were I would not have this journal. Whats funny is that he has no idea exactly how much like me when I was pledging that he is. All of these guys are so afraid of letting us down, and I think they don't realize we are all afraid we are going to let them down.

On the homefront, my frat brother Dubya (his real name is Chris, but I like the nickname better) has been out of a job for a while, by his own doing I should add. He was dating my room mate for a short period (8 weeks if you ask him, 6 weeks if you ask my room mate). They broke up a few weeks ago and Dubya has been acting stupid the whole time (like crying non stop and making himself throw up, kind of stupid)... Now I love my room mate, he is one of my favorite people in the world and truly one of my dearest friends, but NO ONE is worth all that. Anyway, Dubya has no money, like not just broke, but literally NO money... so I asked Tony if he would mind if I offered Dubya to stay in my room while I was gone on vacation, to save him the gas of driving all the way out to BFE where he lives. Tony said he would only do it for me, and that if he acts stupid he is not going to be very nice to him... I offered Dubya the room, and laid out the ground rules. Basically, if you think you are going to mope around or worse yet, cry, then go to my room and shut the door. Dont make Tony uncomfortable in his own home. So whats he do? He starts crying when he asks Tony if they can talk about their relationship (something he was strictly forbidden to do) Now Tony definately seem uncaring, in fact, he came to the realization that he lacks empathy... Tony let Dubya have it, I think some things were said that were not very nice, but apparently it worked... it seems that Dubya has to be screamed at to get through to him. I don't mind helping people out, especially a brother, there is nothing I wouldn't do to help... but you have to be helping yourself. Dubya is being evicted from his apartment (he has till the 31st of Jan. to get out) but he is not doing anything to find another place or to get his stuff together. I am finding that I don't really care... I have no sympathy for him, because he is not doing anything to resolve the situation. I dunno, I don't want to see him go homeless, but god damn, why help someone who doesn't have the self-respect to help themselves... brother or not.

I suppose I have written WAY too much... no one likes to read these long entries, but I sure do feel better when they are done... Thanks for listening

So today is it... the first blog as a boy... I suppose I should probably qualify that statement.... I have another blog, but it is on my drag page (www.monicamoree.com). I don't know exactly where to begin this so I suppose I will just write and see what happens.

Today I just got home from Boulder, and visiting all the colonists. I stayed with my little brother Geoff. I am sure that he is glad to have his apartment back to himself. I totally talked his ear off all weekend. I suppose I was over compinsating, cuz I had read his blog right before I left Cincinnati to visit him, and in it, he mentioned he was considering leaving DLP. I hope that he reconsidered that thought. Not just cuz I don't want to lose a little brother (although that always sucks) but because it is young men like Geoff that I think have the most to gain from a Brotherhood like DLP. He really started to come out of his shell while I was there, I just hope it wasn't too jarring for him.

I also got to hang with my other little bro Tony, he and I had yet to meet or communicate at all... what a great guy, a little nervous about the whole thing I think, but I suppose as a pledge we all are a bit nervous cuz you just don't know what to expect for the future... he really has the desire and the drive to go someplace within the frat, and it is really refreshing to witness that. I hope he is able to work through his time constraints, he is lucky though, he has a great "family" that is watching his back... I can't wait for his next performance in opera, rumor has it, he is really good. I will totally be there to watch (I will be the proud Dad in the back of the audience giving the standing ovation with tears in my eyes). I know that sounds pathetic, but there is nothing more rewarding than having a little brother and watching him succeed in the frat and in life.

I didn't get to spend much alone time with my other little brother. His name is Jeff. He is a freak, and I love that about him. In hindsite, I feel bad for not spending more time with him this weekend, I think I just figured he was doing fine as far as the frat goes. I was initially disappointed in him and Tony, cuz I they hadn't studied at all for their test on Sunday. Then on Sunday afternoon right before the test, I asked him if he was ready for it, and asked him to do the greek alphabet (fully expecting him to not know it). I couldn't believe what happened next, he DID IT!!! I was so happy. At the pledge class, he had to do it while I held a burning match and get through the alphabet 3 times before I burned my finger... what he didn't realize, was that he was supposed to fail in order to teach the entire group a lesson... when he was starting, he was wanting to look at his pledge brothers, but I made him look me in the eye (I was acting all tough, but deep down I wanted him to know I knew he could do it). He started and it was obvious to me that he was going to make it through the test, so I had to mess him up, so that the class could learn the lesson they needed to. I hope he knows how proud I was of him for being brave enough to get up there and do it but even more to get up there and do it so well.

Throughout the weekend, I got to hang out with a bunch of the other boys...They really are going to be wonderful brothers, I don't think there is a single one of them that I would not want as a brother (hell, truth be told, I probably already think of them as brothers)

Thursday night when I arrived, we met at a night club called Dream, where they open up toage 16 and up. I was so scared going there. I don't do nightclubs well, I get so self concious about my looks, and I am HIV+, and I get so scared of being in the situation where I meet someone cool and then have to tell them "oh, by the way..." But the big brothers, and the pledges were all there and I had to put on a happy face and try to make the best of it. All in all I had a WONDERFUL night. A couple of the boys showed up to the event drunk, and I was disappointed in them for that. Not cuz they had a cocktail or anything, cuz I don't think I can get mad at them for something I used to do... but more because I thought it was disrespectful to the big brothers. The scariest thing for me was that I found out several of the boys are on diet pills... I think they think I was being a hard ass or I wanted to fuck with their fun, but the truth was I was scared that something would happen to one of them. Also, not one of these guys needs to be worrying about their weight... being a boy with a history of eating disorders, I worried about them. Needless to say, I was glad to realize there was no ephedra in what they were taking, just lots of caffine. I just hope they know what they are doing. And they should all know they are all hot boys just the way they are.

On some other notes, Andrew told me yesterday that a Brother on the BOD has a problem with me and thinks I am a bad person because of my past... He told Andrew that I have a warrant for my arrest for prostitution in Las Vegas. Andrew already knew about it, because he was one of the few people that I have ever mentioned it to, and to every person I mentioned it to, it was done under the Veil Of Secrecy (a thing in my frat. that is stronger than a pinky swear that you will not tell a soul). I felt so betrayed when Andrew told me about this, because I had not ever mentioned it to this brother, but rather he was told by someone else whom I had confided in "under the veil" It just so happened that at the time Andrew told me about this, I was trying to teach my little brothers how important it is to trust your brothers, it was so hard to tell them about how a brother will not betray your trust etc. when it had just happened to me. Andrew reminded me that the men in this colony are of a MUCH higher calibre than the men that had tried to bring me down. I decided that I could retaliate against the brothers in question (people who live in glass houses should really consider checking into plexiglass) and then I realized that would make me no better than them, I have decided to keep my thoughts about their personal lives to myself, and simply maintain the push to make them effective in their leadership positions, in order to better our fraternity, and if they don't like it, they can kiss my ass.

I supposed I have rambled on enough for this first post, I am sure they will be shorter in the future, I just had a lot on my mind after a very eventful weekend.