LAWD am I tired... I just wrapped up the longest work day ever, it wound up being over 15 hours today. The good news is that I think I am done for a couple days.

I just finished having a really nice chat with a friend about self esteem. Its funny that I would be someone giving advice on self esteem, but I suppose that is usually the case, the preacher is too busy preaching to actually practice what he preaches. This young man that I was chatting with is truly one of the most beautiful creatures that I have seen, but I suppose part of what makes him attractive is that he has not been corrupted to the point of knowing that he is cuter than 99% of the people around him. Its funny, I don't think I am ugly by any means, but when it comes to being in public, I am one of the most insecure people I know. In a group of people I instantly feel fat, unstylish (missed that gene), and generally feel no one would want to talk to me... however, put me in the same room with a wig, dress, pumps and some thick makeup, and I will own it in no time at all. People are often shocked at how introverted I become when I am not busy being my character. I didn't have the guts to talk to my friend about my own insecurities, I made him promise to work on his self-esteem, and what I should have said is that we will work on our self-esteems together. I think right now, as I wander around trying to find that someone to be with, my self-esteem should come first, I have enough things to overcome that I shouldn't be adding senseless personal crap to the list. I wish it were that easy to just snap your fingers and poof it all changes. I will keep you posted on my progress.

On other fronts, I have begun to notice lately that I am getting lonely... not for friends, cuz thank god I have an amazing family of friends that keep me sane and all, but for something more. I miss being able to share my bed with someone (not like that you gutterminds) and I miss "spooning", but I think the thing I miss the most about a relationship is that 20 minutes or so right before you fall asleep with your boyfriend, where you just talk about anything and everything. Before I got sick, I never paid any attention to whether someone was poz or negative before I dated them... now that the shoe is on the other foot, I find myself trying to completely avoid talking to boys who are negative. The problem with that however, is that the majority of men who are as open about their status as I am are MUCH older than I am, or if they are near my age, they are often still very angry about their diagnosis and leading a very reckless lifestyle. The problem with dating guys that are negative is that in the back of my mind I would always be terrified I would infect them. Its fucked up because many times I catch myself feeling like I am a walking toxic waste container...and the blood running through my veins is nothing more than poison waiting to either kill me or someone else... killing me, I can deal with, killing someone else, I could never deal with that. I so often find myself flooding my free time with my involvement with the Court and the Frat and my friends to keep my mind free of the whole dating thing... I think it is just catching up to me a bit.

I don't mean to be whining about my life, because I am definately one of the luckiest men in the world, and I know that many of the people that read this talk about how strong I am and how positive I am about my place in life, I just suppose that today is not one of my strong days...I suppose that is what brothers are for. Andrew, answer your phone....GRRRR