So, I am going back blond... like litterally that is what I am doing as I write this. I don't think beauty should be this painful... but let me tell ya, the bleach on my head BURNS!!! I figured it was safe to do the whole blond thing again since I was off probation at work and the chances of me getting fired for it are pretty slim now.

Day before yesterday, in Charleston, SC, I was chatting with Andrew on the phone and watching QAF on Showtime, and after QAF was over Its My Party started... I told Andrew I couldn't watch it cuz I would get sucked in and watch the whole thing and cry and all that good shit. So I changed the channel while I was still on the phone with him. No sooner than I hang up from him, I decide I have to flip back to see where they are in the movie. STUPID IDEA!!! 2 hours later I was on my bed crying like a bitch. It is rare that a movie can do that to me... I mean I cry at movies all the time but usually when I watch them again, I pick them apart and the do nothing for me... This movie I have seen dozens of times and it is always good for a good sob... The only other movies that are like that for me are The Color Purple, The Imitation Of Life, and Steel Magnolia's.... Oh yeah, and Like Water For Chocolate....

This is however, the first time I have watched this since I got sick... I spent about 3 hours the next day examining the situation. Could I or would I kill myself before I became a burden on my loved ones... I decided if I were in the same situation as the character in the movie I would have done the exact same thing. I never want to have my family and friends remember me as a vegetable, or my body so ravaged by illness that I can't take care of myself. I want my friends and family to remember me when I am strong and mostly healthy... I would also want a party right before I go, I want to go with all of my family (both chosen and not) around me. I already decided Andrew will definately be my "Margaret Cho" character in the movie... she has this role of a very caring friend who doesn't like that she is losing her best friend, but is totally there to support him and help grant his final wishes... through the whole movie, she does such a good job of not crying around Nick, but at the end, she lets him know how much he has meant to her, and vice versa. Andrew would definately be the one next to my mother weeping... Tony would be the character played by Balki (I can never remember his real name) He is so outgoing and abrasive but so supportive of his friend. The other roles would be filled in by the wonderful cast of friends that I have been so blessed to have in my life. There have been times in my life when I didn't know if I would be able to go on, when it felt like life was just too much.... it is at those times that one of my friends have stepped in and carried me out of the hole that I was in. Anyway, that is a VERY long time off... I will post more later...