BRRRR!!!

I am sitting in Halifax, Nova Scotia. It is flippin COLD!!! Tomorrow I am in Washington, DC... I hope to go look at the christmas decorations at the white house. I am such a sap when it comes to Christmas.

wednesday, I am going to fly to Birmingham, AL to ride back to Cincinnati with Matlock. He has asked if I would ride back with him because he is really upset about being deployed. He pulled the guilt card, so I made sure he was aware that nothing dirty would be going on, but I do want to make sure he is ok. I really am going to worry about him being shipped off. He is the first person I have known personally that is being shipped off to that stupid war.

I also decided that I am going to fly to Burlington, VT to visit a boy. I got to spend some time with him the last time I was in town, and we had a wonderful time. He has offered me to stay with him... maybe I will even go snow skiing for the first time... could be fun.

I am reading Bridgette Jones Edge Of Reason. I have decided I am the male version of Bridgette Jones. If you haven't read the books, I suggest you pick them up.

So I just got off the phone with the crush. It was a good conversation, even though it wasn't a pleasant one to have. The good news is I know where I stand...the bad news is, I don't stand anywhere. He decided the timing is too bad to try anything more seriously. I suppose he is probably right, but as I pointed out to him, we handle hurdles very differently. He avoids them completely and moves to a track that doesn't have any hurdles in his sight (I believe all tracks have hurdles of some sort). I on the other hand, plow through the hurdles until I can figure out a way to tear them down before I get to them. I suppose that is a trait that comes with age and experience. Anyway, I am a little down about it, but really glad to know where I stand so no more energy is exerted to something that has no hope of working.

So I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday!

I didn't do anything... after work, I came home and put on my lounging shorts and turned on The Nanny and The Golden Girls for a marathon. I tried to call Truly to see if she wanted to do something get some food or something, but no answer. Skippie was busy with his family. Dweena was busy avoiding the world, and I didn't know how to get in touch with Ricky but I am sure she was busy with her family as well. This is one of the downfalls of this job, you are never where you should be for the holidays. They tell you in training to avoid the depression of the season by celebrating the holiday on a different day with your loved ones, but I think that is about the dumbest thing I have ever heard of. It doesn't make the holiday go away, you are still lonely when the rest of the world is with their families and you are sitting in a strange hotel room. I do have to give some props to the ground crew at Burlington Vermont. They invited the flight crew over to their house for thanksgiving dinner so they wouldn't be alone... that is amazing. Comair had a thanksgiving lunch for the employees, but it was gone by the time I got home from my trip. Thank God Tony had a TV dinner in the freezer, cuz this city shuts down on the holidays... I would have been one hungry depressed fat bitch without that Swansons Delight. For some reason today has been plagued with lonely thoughts... figuring out why I seem to be undateable... I am not coming up with much, but I suppose I am a bit biased. LOL.

I have posted these lyrics before, but again, they are what is playing on my computer:
Like a fish plucked from the ocean
Tossed into a foreign stream
Always knew that I was different
Often fled into a dream
I ignored the raging current
Right against the tide I swam
But I floated with the question
Who will love me as I am?

Like an odd exotic creature
On display inside a zoo
Hearing children asking questions
Makes me ask some questions too
Could we bend the laws of nature?
Could a lion love a lamb?
Who could see beyond this surface?
Who will love me as I am?

Who will ever call to say I love you?
Send me flowers or a telegram?
Who could proudly stand beside me?
Who will love me as I am?

Like a clown whose tears cause laughter
Trapped inside the center ring
Even seeing smiling faces
I am lonely pondering

Who would want to join this madness?
Who would change my monogram?
Who will be part of my circus?
Who will love me as I am?

Who will ever call to say I love you?
Send me flowers or a telegram?
Who could proudly stand beside me?
Who will love me as I am?

UPDATE

So the trip for thanksgiving to see the crush was cancelled yesterday. It seems he is concerned about it being too much of a scandal. Oh well. I hate when my favorite holidays are fucked up cuz of other peoples ignorance.

What a long trip!!! I am on day 3 of a 5 day trip and I am so ready for it to be over. I dunno why I want it to be over, I am not doing much when it is done... I am supposed to go see the crush on Thanksgiving day, but I dunno how excited about it I am. I took the necessary steps to keep the crush that I have on this boy from breaking any fraternity rules. Now I am not sure if he is actually interested. I mean I think he is, he said he was, but he may just be saying that. As the trip gets closer, he seems less sure of me coming. The truth is I don't really care... I just don't want to be alone on thanksgiving. Oh well, I will let you all know what happens.

Aloha everyone!!!

I figured I had better post something before Terpy had a coronary! I have been out of town and away from a computer for nearly an entire week. The Board retreat in Las Vegas went really really well, we got a lot of work done and even more socializing done. I realized how much I missed Las Vegas after about day 2 of the visit. I just missed my friends that I had there and the fact that there was always something to do. I think when I am done in Cincinnati, I may have to hit it back to sin city for a minute.

Matlock called me while I was on my trip, it seems that while he was in training for the reserves, he recieved his orders to ship out to Iraq. I suppose when he signed up, he probably should have realized this was a possibility, but he, like thousands of others never had any idea that it could actually happen. I hope he takes care of himself. *sigh*

In other news, I think I might have a slight crush on someone that I am not allowed to have a crush on (well, I can have a crush, just can't do anything about it)... Trouble is I think this boy is crushing on me too... hmm, I will have to look for a loop hole in the rule. This is all I have time to write today, I am headed out to work, and then directly off to Denver for my show benefitting the CU colony. Wish me luck!

So you learn something new everyday...

Just when I thought there was not much more I could learn about sex... last night I learned about "Furries" and "plushies" and "yiffing" it is all a bit disturbing but mildly entertaining... if you don't know what I am talking about and you are over the age of 18, you should check out fursuitsex.com FREAKY!!!

Today I am flying home to Vegas for my Board of Directors retreat, which should be fun, I haven't been back in several months... I miss it there a lot. Mostly cuz I want to experience it again... this time with out the constraints of thinking I am poz... I made a commitment to Tony for 12 months on the new apartment, I think after that I will probably go back to Vegas, unless the man of my dreams makes his presence known sometime before then ;-)

Speaking of men of my dreams, the decision to send Matlock packing has stuck. He solidified it last night by acting stupid (no surprise to most of you I am sure)... Tony reminded me there is no appropriate time or place for doing it, so I just have to do it. I really hate breaking up with people... having been dumped more times than I care to remember, I know it is never easy to hear, especially face to face. So, again the search continues... *starts picking up rocks that the boys must be hiding under*

Who Knew???

Who knew that Toledo, OH could be a lot of fun!!! I just got back from a weekend visit with a group of men who are working to form a chapter of my fraternity at the University of Toledo. Most people don't understand why I am so devoted to this brotherhood, I gotta tell you, it is weekends like what I just had that keep me doing it. It was kind of like when a teacher tells you the low pay and obnoxious children are completely worth it when you witness one child "get it", when the lightbulb goes off. Same thing here, when I was speaking to these guys about brotherhood and what it means and when I talk about how this fraternity has changed my life, I watched several lightbulbs go off. I even got a little misty eyed when talking to them about it at the end of the weekend. Anyway, I wish them luck with becoming a chapter, I am sure they will make amazing brothers.

There was of course drama with the Matlock situation while I was gone, as I was afraid of. I want to be his friend, and maybe eventually more than that, but I think his ex-boyfriend was right, he needs more time to experience the gay life. He needs to develop his own circle of friends, I am sure that someday he will make someone an excellent boyfriend, but it is certainly not today, and not with me, right now. I haven't talked to him about it, and I only decided it last night after we went to bed. I worry about telling him right before he heads off to his Army Reserve training, but I also don't want to string him along and then have to break up with him right before Christmas when he gets back. I dunno, I will think on it all some more today, who knows, maybe I will change my mind again... *grumble*

Remind me again why people want to date... I know first hand the results are great when they work out in your favor, but if they don't, it all turns to shit. I certainly don't want to be alone for another 2 years, but I sure do hate kissing all the frogs. Oh well, I know it is part of it... so in the meantime... *ribbit*

Quote for the week...

I have seen many bloggers doing this and I think I kinda like the idea...

My quote for this week is one I took from another blog:

"Any god who creates a sentient being out of dirt, knowing the being will be damned to hell, should have left the dirt alone." - unknown

"We have spent the last four years fighting for the freedom of all mankind"

Those words were just uttered by the United States choice for President. I am curious what planet this man lives on. I suppose his definition of "all mankind" is actually if you are white, male, Christian, wealthy, heterosexual, and HIV negative (not necessarily in that order). It is very sad that the majority of the voting public lacked the foresight to keep in mind that this president will have the opportunity to appoint at least one (potentially 2 or 3) Supreme Court Justices. The new supreme court has the power to undo all of the great strides that our community has achieved thus far in our fight for equal rights. The ramifications of this election will be felt by generations of women, gay, bisexual, transgendered, persons of color, poor, HIV+ people to come.

We must all be dilligent as we go forward in our fight for the rights that we all deserve. What a sad day to be a lower middle class gay American. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to feel disenfranchised from the system, IT IS NOT OK TO GIVE UP!

Ghandi once said "You must be the change you wish to see in the world" If we want to see a change in the leadership, we must become the leadership. We must excercise our power in this country. The amount of disposable income that the gay population controls is equal to several small countries, but yet we are timid in being ourselves... this must change before we can expect the rest of the country to respect who we are.

John Kerry ended his concession speech with the short prayer of "God Bless America", I choose to use the more to the point "Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do, and may God have mercy on their souls"

For more on this subject check out Terp's blog... he wrote a lovely manifesto.

WOW!!! who knew that last post would start a riot...

I appreciate everyones concern, and I do take time to evaluate all of the advice I get...(even those that say I have no self respect *grumble*)

Needless to say, I had a really great weekend with Matlock at the conference. I felt bad, cuz I had to leave him alone a lot with other brothers that he didn't know, but it seemed like he was having a good time, he said he did, and thanked me profusely for inviting him. The Alpha Beta brothers at Perdue had an amazing benefit show that they do every year, I had a blast.

As for all the Matlock controversy. I don't rush into anything, and given the first nights experience, I am taking this especially slow. I also am very up front with him about it. As for me not having self respect...if I were rushing off to marry this man I would understand that, but I think giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and understanding that people make mistakes is the ultimate in self respect. Lord knows I have made my fair share of mistakes in my life and if it weren't for people giving me a second chance I would certainly not be where I am in my life.

So, no commitment with Matlock yet, but that doesn't mean something won't happen down the road. He heads off for 3 weeks of Army Reserve training in two weeks. I am a bit curious what will happen with that.