WOW!!! It has been a long time since I posted anything... I must appologize for that. I have been in a bit of a funk lately for some reason, and not really doing much of anything social... well, I have been doing some social things, but they will be discussed in a little bit.

I suppose I should start with my thoughts and feelings on Valentines Day since it is once again upon us. This holiday used to be one of my three favorite holidays (along with Christmas and my Birthday) My mother always made a point of celebrating EVERY holiday with me, I would get candy and balloons and shit on St. Patricks Day, Easter was big, luckily she stopped short of the Hallmark holidays, and stuck to the classics. Through that, Valentines Day became one of my favorite, cuz I got to give everyone I knew little cards and candy... I LOVE giving presents. As I got older, I still got showered with gifts from my mother on Valentines Day, but once I started dating I got to go all out on my boyfriends. I am telling you, it was the highlight of my year to watch people light up when they would get my sometimes elaborate gifts. I would usually get some flowers or candy or something in return, but that didn't really matter to me, my gift really was watching them recieve their gifts... I always made it a point to never be single on Valentines Day (oh, to be young and cute again, when they were pounding down your door) then I met Guillaume, who was not a big Valentines Day person, but he quickly learned that it was important to me and he always tried to do something romantic. After I went to Vegas, I was hit with the harsh reality that the boys were not beating down my door anymore, and that Valentines Day would be spent alone. So, I did what any self-respecting drama queen would do, I sent myself flowers and took myself to the spa for a nice massage, body wrap and facial. Feeling worse than I did before I started and with $300 less in my pocket I decided that would be the last year for that indulgence. The next year, the guy I was dating broke up with me right before Christmas, so no Valentines again... and then came Shaun. For whatever reason I was in love with this man...even as I uncovered all of his infidelities. Then, 2 days before Valentines day, he breaks up with me... I was crushed. I had all this stuff planned. We were still talking and I told him I would like to go out on Valentines Day with him...he agreed and said we would go to dinner. Imagine my surprise when we pulled through the McDonalds drive thru. And then imagine my horror when he told me that his surprise for me was he was taking me to the bath house!!! What is the most sad to me is that I actually went. It completely tore apart what Valentines Day was to me... but I couldn't blame him, I agreed to it, and in the moment I was certainly enjoying myself. We used to call those "low self-esteem fucks" (more on those later). This year, I truly feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge...kind of Bah Humbug about the whole thing. I think what bothers me about that is that I have always done a pretty good job about not getting jaded and bitter about things like this. I was not successful. This year, I will be in Evansville, Indiana for work... I actually bid to work over the holiday, in an effort to forget it was happening.

Last weekend, I filled my weekend with some of those "low self-esteem fucks" that I mentioned earlier. These are the people that you have sex with, not because you are horny or even because you like them, but for the sole purpose of making yourself feel wanted, attactive, and in some ways loved. While I was with Shaun, I had a ton of them usually facilitated through him (meaning he would arrange them) or we would go to the bath house together. When I finally ended that relationship, I did a pretty good job of stopping the LSEF's. I mean I would still trick every now and again but for the most part, it was easier and felt better to just pull some taffy (thanks Andrew) and go to sleep. But last weekend, I made up for lost time. I truly lived up to the flying mattress standard, I put an ad up in every city I was flying to, and entertained the troops every night. And when it was all said and done, I felt worse than when I started. Hopefully this weekend will be better and will just go by without a hitch...

In other news, My room mate just got all his wisdom teeth pulled AND had a root canal... lucky him. They have him knocked out on pain pills right now. In the frat, things are going ok... my schedule is once again proving very difficult, I seem to be missing everything important (I sound like a working mom) The guys have decided to have their neophyte ceremony the last weekend of Feb. and there is not anyway for me to get out of work... I tried that for their retreat and it blew up in my face. Tuesday, I am flying to LA to meet with the Alpha Omicron chapter to help them try to save what they have and salvage a chapter. My goal is fly into Denver on Wed and stay with the boys until I have to be back to work on Friday... but we will see. At this point I am afraid to make promises that I am not sure I will be able to keep. They did plan their Night Of Madness in enough time for me to request the time off from work, so that is good, and the following week, my lil brother Tony has his opera performance. That is the same time as the start of the Western Regional Conference that I have to help host in Long Beach, but I told Will that I will not be there till Saturday morning, because I made a commitment to Tony that I would be there like a proud parent cheering him on in his first performance of this opera friday night. It doesn't seem like I ever really talk to them, but that isn't their fault really. I hope I haven't cheated them out of a good big brother. I never really hear from any of the other guys...no emails, a few IMs from the ones that I made friends with right away. But there is a HUGE section of the group I don't know at all...that concerns me.

My excercise and diet plan is going pretty good, I have lost about 2 inches from my waist (the goal is 4 inches off by Memorial Day) I have also added about an inch to my chest and to each arm (the goal is 5 inches to the chest by memorial day). So all in all, I am pleased with my results so far... Look out Miami... a new muscle boy is headed your way (OH GOD... just what the world needs)