Full Of Hate

I have had kind of a hateful day... I hate my neighborhood, I hate Cincinnati, I hate human beings lack of respect for other lives, I hate my current station in life.

Now for some background on all the hate... I have a brilliant apartment, Tony had a lovely place before I ever got here, but since I have been here, we have done more to it and he has definately made sure that I feel like it is my home too. Inside this apartment, we have created a sanctuary that is safe, comfortable, relaxing, warm, nearly perfect. Unfortunately, our apartment sits in a horrible neighborhood. Nine months ago, I was beat up by a total stranger, because of the color of my skin. Six months ago, one of the co-owners of a bar 2 doors down from my building had his face blown off by an angry customer with a gun. Two months ago, those owners sold their bar to a man who owned a bar that the city shut down for violence and drugs...since then every night at 2:30am we are awakened by fights and screaming as the bars force everyone out at closing. Two months ago, 2 thugs beat a homeless man repeatedly over the head with a bottle and a stick, across the street from my building. One month ago, I watched as the "ghetto children" started busting bottles over each others heads in the middle of the day. Last night, there was a fight at closing time, and a guy was getting his head litterally jumped on... the guy attacking him wouldn't stop, he was just kicking and jumping up and down on this mans face. A girl in the apartment next door to mine (but up one floor) thought it wise to fire her gun in the air to disperse the crowd and get the police faster. The man that was beat up is in intensive care and in critical condition, the attacker was arrested for felonious assault, and the girl hid in her apartment to avoid the police finding out it was her (discharging a firearm in the city is a felony). I got little sleep, all I could hear was the gunshot everytime I closed my eyes. Tonight I didn't walk down to meet friends for drinks cuz I didn't want to walk by myself. Today, I spent the day in the coffee house cuz the girls that own it are major reason that I love the neighborhood... they are like my human security blanket.

I have commented before about how if something doesn't happen in Tony's world, then it doesn't exist to him. He has never noticed the things that go on in the neighborhood, because he is not here as much as I am, and he is largely oblivious... things might affect him briefly as they happen (like when I got beat up) but they quickly fade from his mind. I think the gunshot outside his window changed his oblivious view of the neighborhood. In his blog he talked about instinctually rolling away from the window in fear of stray bullets (we couldn't tell where the shots were coming from, just that they were VERY close).

I have to move.

There are not really any neighborhoods downtown (I won't live in the suburbs) that are free from stupid behavior. I want to leave this city, but can't really go anywhere without another job lined up... cuz I don't like this job enough to justify commuting to Cincinnati for work.

Tony made the point that he thinks walking up to someone and blowing them away is far less heinous of a crime that jumping up and down on someones face, beating them to within an inch of their life. I am glad that they made an arrest, but sadly if this man doesn't die, the perp's punishment is going to be minimal compared to the pain and permanent damage he caused to this guy. I don't understand where the lack of respect for other human life has gone. Funny, maybe you don't learn to respect it the way that Tony or I do, until you have been in our position of nearly losing your own.

I am very sad, and frustrated right now, and have to be very careful to not make reactionary decisions based on my emotions... *sigh* I can't even call my mom to talk to her about it, she would fuckin freak out... and she is who I usually use as a sounding board to make sure I am doing the right thing. Who knows... I could sure use a cuddle buddy tonight.