So I did drag last night... I kind of felt bad for Tony cuz I was a little grumpy and complainy... My car got towed last week, so we had to walk to the bar. I suppose it is about a half mile walk or more, so by the time we got there, I was ready to have the heels off. I am also not a queen that likes to go out in drag for no reason... I don't like to just be seen, I need to be on the stage to make it worth all the discomfort. This bar that we were in was VERY VERY smokey so my eyes were burning, I was hungry, my corset was hurting, and I was not very happy with how I looked... mostly because I couldn't wear pads cuz the ones we made were too big and we didn't have time to shave them down... so I went padless. Tony said it looked fine, but I felt naked. I bitch at queens all the time for not wearing pads so I felt unprofessional, and since this was most of these queens first time seeing me, I certainly didn't want to give that impression. Most of the crowd at this bar is very young, so I have to look good to them, not just to me, last night I felt very "courtly" meaning I looked very pretty, and very regal, and very old. I should have been wearing something short and slutty for these kids with some down or really crazy hair... Oh well, something to work on for next time.

Yesterday I signed up to walk with the Beta Delta boys in Miami for the Miami AIDS Walk. I am very excited about that, it sounds like lots of fun, and I know that we had a great time walking for the Las Vegas AIDS walk... even though it was 200 degrees outside. It will be my first visit to Miami when I am not working, to see the city away from the beach, I am really excited about all that.

I have been talking to Dominick lately, I miss him so much. Apparently things aren't going so well for him in Utah. He seems to be waiting for me to say "I told you so," but I have no intentions on that, I think he made the decision to move there for the right reason, I just feel bad for him that his family pressured him into it, and now it is not working out for him. I told him he is welcome to come here to Cincinnati and then along to Miami if he wants to. I think he is planning on visiting here for his 21st birthday, which is great, I can't believe how much I have missed him. Usually when I leave a place I miss my friends a bit, but as most things do, they fade. Dominick is a little different... I really think of him as my family, and I think the only reason I agreed to take this job in Cincinnati was because he agreed to come with me. It was probably for the best that he waited till I already started flying to tell me he needed to go to Utah instead. So now I find myself reminiscing about all the stupid stuff he and I would do, like eating Jack In The Box at 4 in the morning after a show, or the really meaningful things that he did like helping me get back on a horse after not riding forever, or waiting up for me at home after my unfortunate incarceration. Or him sleeping on my floor every weekend or hauling my ass all over town when my jeep wouldn't run (which was most of the time). The good news is that I can talk to him a lot on the phone, and maybe he will decide to come along to Miami (although I doubt he will)... I am sure he and Tony would get along very well. Although Tony would have to get used to having someone else share in the chore of getting Ms. Moree ready.

I suppose I have lamented enough for now, I will write more later... maybe on my trip this weekend if I get to a computer.

I don't have a lot to say right now, I just want to address one issue that is on my mind. It has come to my attention that a few of the pledges have a problem with my previous blog. I would like to just point out that this is my personal diary, an outlet for me to work through whatever is on my mind, I have chosen to allow others to read it, because very little in my life is a secret. If I start editing my thoughts and feelings because of who I think might read them, then the diary loses its point. To those of you who don't like reading blogs, I simply say don't read them. If you take issue with something I say, please remember you are entering my world... I refuse to edit my thoughts and feelings, simply to spare you.

GOOD MORNING!!!

Its been a few days since I have posted, but not a lot has been going on. I tried to go to LA the other day for the frat, but the flights wound up being full. Oh well, I really couldn't afford the trip anyway. While I was in DC over Valentines Day, I totally overspent my allowance for the last half of the month... I totally forgot about my car payment. DOH! On the way home from DC, I had a planeful of 13 year olds. This trip was proof positive why more people should eat their young. I truly have a new respect for teachers in todays world.

I have recently been chatting away on gay.com... thats something I don't usually do, because my saturation level for people is usually near it limits. But I decided it would not hurt to be a bit more social. My screen name on there is yngPOZcentaur, and my bio clearly states that I am not looking for a hookup. It never fails someplace in the first 5 minutes of a chat with someone, they want to know if I am a bottom or top. Now I generally dont mind answering these questions, if I am looking to play, but I usually humor them. One man went as far as to ask, I answered, and he said great, are you clean? now my original response was "yes, I just got out of the shower, and am all douched up... I am never a dirty fuck" he aparently didn't get my humor, and said "I mean are you disease free?" To which I replied what part of yngPOZcentaur are you not getting, not to mention it is all over my profile. He apologized and said he could fuck with poz guys, again I replied "your in luck, cuz I can't fuck stupid people". The next one that really got me was the guy that said "he, I just wanted to say I'm sorry" well, being a true glutton for punishment, I had to ask why he was sorry "I am sorry that you are HIV+ and just wanted to try to make you feel better". I am really glad he mentioned all of that, cuz I hadn't realized I had been feeling bad, and certainly him telling me everything was going to be ok, made me feel much better. In fact I had been waiting for a complete stranger to tell me that, so I could get on with living. I wonder where most of these people get their manners. At which point does it become ok to open a conversation with a total stranger with comments like that.

Quickly realizing my job in life is not to educate the chatting public on manners I just ignore these fools, and hope that someday they will realize how stupid they sound.

On other fronts, the boys are nearing their final, and I had some concerns about whether they are ready for brotherhood. I constantly have to remind myself that we (the mentors) are not a chapter bringing in a pledge class, because if so everything we would be doing is qualitative, not quantitative. These guys threw a fundraiser together at the last minute with the intention of just getting it done. Which just hurt themselves... most of these guys can't afford some of the fee's that they are required to have before they can become brothers. The other point that really got me was that there are 7 of these 17 whom, I have never even spoken to. That is a major problem to me, in that I don't think they have fulfilled their commitments to become brothers... by ignoring me, a brother, they are not sending a clear message to me that they have got "it". This situation caused me to get very upset, and caused Andrew and I to argue, which is something that we never do. Andrew basically said that I was out of sight out of mind, and that I am not available like the other mentors... a very true statement, I am not physically around them much, but I email the group often, give them alternatives to phoning me and make myself available at all times for them. My concern is if I am out of site out of mind, how are they going to treat alumni down the road... how are they going to be treated when they graduate and move on... are they going to forget they have brothers. Clay, who is their president, just got accepted to his study abroad semester, are they going to not be in contact with him because he is out of sight out of mind. Then the straw that broke the camels back... a few of the pledges requested that the mentors not attend the rush event on Friday night at Dream. I have known Andrew for a while now, and i have seen him upset, and I have even seen him a little angry...but he reached new levels with this request. Now the boys seem to be coming back with some stories that sound like bullshit to me "what we meant was we want you guys at our events... someone misunderstood and communicated the wrong message to you" or "we just don't want you guys doing it for us" which is trying to pin the blame on the mentors... the fact is, the event is being held at a nightclub, some of them planned on drinking and didn't want the mentors there because they knew all hell would break loose for underage drinking...and they were right, it would have. I know I have a ton of them clammoring to get their interviews done with me, because of points they will miss out on. Now, instead of using the interview to get to know me, they are doing it because it is an assignment. I am granting the interviews, as long as I have time, but generally feel like now they are on my time. As Andrew said, its too bad that some of them have overlooked me as a resource. I think it is too bad some didn't take the time to get to know me as a friend. I think I am kind of cool
Well, enough drivel for now, I will write more as I think of it...

So, I have decided, one of the worst things about my job is not having a large crew to go out with when I am on overnights... for example: In an effort to keep myself sane, I decided that I would treat myself out to a very nice dinner for Valentines Day, while I was in Washington DC. I had always read articles and even full on books about how the world treats people dining alone, but God Damn!!! I truly felt like Rosa Parks... The put me in a dining room by myself, away from the rest of the dining public, who on this night happened to be madly in love couples swooning over one another, so truly it probably was not that big of a deal that I wasn't in the mix of it, but getting service was really hard, cuz they would forget I was there... then, on Sunday morning, I went to brunch by myself (I jerked off all night, I figured I at least should buy myself some breakfast) again, the same treatment (Mrs. Parks, can we show you to your table in the back of the restaurant). On a good note, I forced myself to go out in DC for a few drinks... met this really nice boy named Collin who I spent a few hours chatting with. Turns out he is a "dancer" at one of the strip clubs in DC and asked if I would come watch him...uhhhh OK... it was a nice time, a little wierd, but I have been through wierder... I mean come on I met a lover while we both worked at a brothel. Is meeting a stripper REALLY such a shock? Anyway, he seemed VERY surprised that I didn't want to rush back to my hotel to fuck. I told him I would call him on my next trip into DC and we would have dinner. Funny no one had ever done that to him before (I rather enjoyed it)... Anyway,I will write more when I get back to Cincinnati... right now, I am getting ready for bed in Boston...FUCK ITS COLD HERE!!!

PS - a nice quote I heard from the movie "Cold Mountain" that reflect my current Valentine views - "you ever want to crawl 3 foot up a bulls ass, just listen to the things lovers say to each other"

WOW!!! It has been a long time since I posted anything... I must appologize for that. I have been in a bit of a funk lately for some reason, and not really doing much of anything social... well, I have been doing some social things, but they will be discussed in a little bit.

I suppose I should start with my thoughts and feelings on Valentines Day since it is once again upon us. This holiday used to be one of my three favorite holidays (along with Christmas and my Birthday) My mother always made a point of celebrating EVERY holiday with me, I would get candy and balloons and shit on St. Patricks Day, Easter was big, luckily she stopped short of the Hallmark holidays, and stuck to the classics. Through that, Valentines Day became one of my favorite, cuz I got to give everyone I knew little cards and candy... I LOVE giving presents. As I got older, I still got showered with gifts from my mother on Valentines Day, but once I started dating I got to go all out on my boyfriends. I am telling you, it was the highlight of my year to watch people light up when they would get my sometimes elaborate gifts. I would usually get some flowers or candy or something in return, but that didn't really matter to me, my gift really was watching them recieve their gifts... I always made it a point to never be single on Valentines Day (oh, to be young and cute again, when they were pounding down your door) then I met Guillaume, who was not a big Valentines Day person, but he quickly learned that it was important to me and he always tried to do something romantic. After I went to Vegas, I was hit with the harsh reality that the boys were not beating down my door anymore, and that Valentines Day would be spent alone. So, I did what any self-respecting drama queen would do, I sent myself flowers and took myself to the spa for a nice massage, body wrap and facial. Feeling worse than I did before I started and with $300 less in my pocket I decided that would be the last year for that indulgence. The next year, the guy I was dating broke up with me right before Christmas, so no Valentines again... and then came Shaun. For whatever reason I was in love with this man...even as I uncovered all of his infidelities. Then, 2 days before Valentines day, he breaks up with me... I was crushed. I had all this stuff planned. We were still talking and I told him I would like to go out on Valentines Day with him...he agreed and said we would go to dinner. Imagine my surprise when we pulled through the McDonalds drive thru. And then imagine my horror when he told me that his surprise for me was he was taking me to the bath house!!! What is the most sad to me is that I actually went. It completely tore apart what Valentines Day was to me... but I couldn't blame him, I agreed to it, and in the moment I was certainly enjoying myself. We used to call those "low self-esteem fucks" (more on those later). This year, I truly feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge...kind of Bah Humbug about the whole thing. I think what bothers me about that is that I have always done a pretty good job about not getting jaded and bitter about things like this. I was not successful. This year, I will be in Evansville, Indiana for work... I actually bid to work over the holiday, in an effort to forget it was happening.

Last weekend, I filled my weekend with some of those "low self-esteem fucks" that I mentioned earlier. These are the people that you have sex with, not because you are horny or even because you like them, but for the sole purpose of making yourself feel wanted, attactive, and in some ways loved. While I was with Shaun, I had a ton of them usually facilitated through him (meaning he would arrange them) or we would go to the bath house together. When I finally ended that relationship, I did a pretty good job of stopping the LSEF's. I mean I would still trick every now and again but for the most part, it was easier and felt better to just pull some taffy (thanks Andrew) and go to sleep. But last weekend, I made up for lost time. I truly lived up to the flying mattress standard, I put an ad up in every city I was flying to, and entertained the troops every night. And when it was all said and done, I felt worse than when I started. Hopefully this weekend will be better and will just go by without a hitch...

In other news, My room mate just got all his wisdom teeth pulled AND had a root canal... lucky him. They have him knocked out on pain pills right now. In the frat, things are going ok... my schedule is once again proving very difficult, I seem to be missing everything important (I sound like a working mom) The guys have decided to have their neophyte ceremony the last weekend of Feb. and there is not anyway for me to get out of work... I tried that for their retreat and it blew up in my face. Tuesday, I am flying to LA to meet with the Alpha Omicron chapter to help them try to save what they have and salvage a chapter. My goal is fly into Denver on Wed and stay with the boys until I have to be back to work on Friday... but we will see. At this point I am afraid to make promises that I am not sure I will be able to keep. They did plan their Night Of Madness in enough time for me to request the time off from work, so that is good, and the following week, my lil brother Tony has his opera performance. That is the same time as the start of the Western Regional Conference that I have to help host in Long Beach, but I told Will that I will not be there till Saturday morning, because I made a commitment to Tony that I would be there like a proud parent cheering him on in his first performance of this opera friday night. It doesn't seem like I ever really talk to them, but that isn't their fault really. I hope I haven't cheated them out of a good big brother. I never really hear from any of the other guys...no emails, a few IMs from the ones that I made friends with right away. But there is a HUGE section of the group I don't know at all...that concerns me.

My excercise and diet plan is going pretty good, I have lost about 2 inches from my waist (the goal is 4 inches off by Memorial Day) I have also added about an inch to my chest and to each arm (the goal is 5 inches to the chest by memorial day). So all in all, I am pleased with my results so far... Look out Miami... a new muscle boy is headed your way (OH GOD... just what the world needs)

So I did it, on Feb. 1st, I started my new diet/excercise/self-image program. I hate doing shit like this, cuz the possibility of personal failure are pretty high. This time I am keeping a daily log book of what I eat, when and how much I excersise, goals etc... I will keep you updated on my progress.

The Boulder Bois seem to be doing well. I am having the most trouble with things I think... this long distance thing is not going so well for me I don't think. I don't get to see them as much as I would like, and hence don't feel very involved in their lives. They have their retreat this weekend, and as of right now, it doesn't look like I will be able to attend. I can't seem to get out of work. The colony didn't have their schedule for Feb. until after I bid, so it looks like I will probably miss out on their retreat, and possibly their Night Of Madness, and then probably their neophyte ceremony. Basically all the important shit. unfortunately my schedule this month doesn't have any weekends off cuz I didn't ask for any cuz I had no guidance. I sent out an email about bidding for March, and again, they have done no planning that far in advance, so again I will have to kind of bid for whatever and hope for the best. Seems that I learn most of what is going on in the guys lives by reading their blogs...

Wow, am I in a pissy mood, I should probably stop writing now, before I contaminate my entire day with this negativity... I am off to the coffeehouse for some decaff apricot tea.